The Seemingly Neverending Antics of Lucius Malfoy
by Duchess of Inkling
Summary: The fifth series of The Story That Will Not Die, and it brings you everything you want so, so much; idiocy, gratuitous slash suggestions, filth, decadence, blond hair, and, of course, absolute pleasure.
1. Chapter 1: Ladies Are No Gentlemen

(A/N: So here we are at last, my dears. I, for one, cannot believe I could have let it come this far; that I should be starting the fifth, yes the FIFTH twenty-chapter shag that are the Pureblooded Antics of Lucius Malfoy. When I started this, I promised myself, not thinking it would ever get that far, that I would stop after 100 chapters. Which shall be at the end of this series. So enjoy it while you can, dear readers. I don't know if it will really be the last instalment, but I am beginning to feel like Frankenstein. If you see my point. Anyway, welcome new readers; please read my other four series, welcome old readers, glad to see you again. Sincerely, The Duchess)

**Chapter 1: Ladies Are No Gentlemen**

It started to rain as Severus Snape stepped out of _De Vil & Co Macabre Writing Supplies _and into Knockturn Alley. Turning up his collar, he swept through the street as fast as he could, dodging the shopping evil public as he went on. It was rather crowded towards the end, and he suddenly found himself bumping into a lady with an umbrella, causing her to drop her pink satin handbag.

"Oh, sorry Madam," Snape said, stooping nimbly and picking up the handbag. He may or may not be a nasty git, but he did not forget his manners when confronted with handbag-equipped pensioners. He was offering the handbag to the lady, when a voice he instantly recognised boomed out from under the umbrella.

"I'm not a madam, you idiot!" Lucius Malfoy said, lifting the umbrella to reveal his familiar arrogant glare and sneer. And before Snape knew what was happening, he snatched the pink handbag from his hands and whacked him with it.


	2. Chapter 2: Queerpike?

(A/N: Everybody should read Gormenghast)

**Chapter 2: Queerpike?**

"Hello!!" said Lucius Malfoy, sallying into the room where the Death Eaters were congregated. "I should like to introduce you to someone." Indeed, standing behind him, and following him into the room, was a smallish, thin boy with sandy hair and an odd, slightly bent-over way of walking. He bowed lightly to the circle of ominous figures, leaning on his cane and gazing up at them with eyes that, if one looked carefully, were a very dark shade of red.

"This," Lucius Malfoy said, smiling smugly, "is Steerpike." The boy gazed around, his concentrated, close-set eyes taking in every feature of the group of wizards. "Now I know what you are thinking," Lucius continued, putting a fatherly hand on Steerpike's high shoulder, causing a slight, pained twitch in the latter's face, "you think; "He's a mere muggle, what's he going to do?", but I assure you that young Steerpike here is rather remarkable. I shall leave you all to get acquainted, and then I shall return with the Dark Lord, so we can await his judgement."

Lucius looked around in a sprightly manner, whirled through the door, and went to fetch Lord Voldemort, who was putting the finishing touches on his outfit. When he returned, talking highly of young Steerpike to his Lord, and swung open the door, he stopped dead in the doorway. "What in green and silver blazes......" he mumbled.

For in the room, previously filled with Death Eaters, there were now only two people left; on one side of the room was Steerpike, looking just as he had before, gazing steadily at the other person and slowly swinging his cane the way a cat swings its tail before it attacks, and on the other side of the room was Snape, gazing at the youth suspiciously.

"What happened to everybody?" Lucius said, stumbling into the room in amazement, followed closely by Voldemort.

"Well, let's see," said Snape sarcastically, "He convinced Crabbe that Goyle was trying to move in on his place, and Goyle that Crabbe was moving in on his, so they strangled each other. Rosier went insane, Nott set fire to himself, Pettigrew jumped out of the window, Rudolphus drowned, I still don't see how, because there's no water here, Bellatrix now thinks she is an otter......need I go on?"

Throughout all this, Steerpike had kept his eyes fixed firmly on Snape, who was looking back at him with narrowed eyes. "And I am quite convinced that he is trying to get rid of me too," finished Snape, making a few stealthy, quick paces towards Steerpike, who stepped away from him with an equal amount of nimbleness and speed.

Lucius surveyed the scene with his eyes wide and his mouth open. Then he turned to Voldemort. "I told you he was efficient!" he declared proudly.


	3. Chapter 3: Dude! Sweet!

(A/N: Before you start, I have not even seen 'Dude, where's my car'. You may blame Lady Twatterby for this entirely, if you want to)

**Chapter 3: Dude! Sweet!**

"Dude, do you know where the next meeting is taking place?" Lucius Malfoy remarked casually to Severus Snape as the two wizards were having a stroll around the local strolling vicinities.

"Oh it's on....." Snape began, but halted, a concerned expression on his face. "Wait a minute. What did you just say?"

"I said: Do you know where the next meeting is taking place?" said Lucius.

"No, no, I mean before that."

"Well, before that I remarked 'Quite', to your statement that..."

"No! It was a word you said just before the question. Sounded rather like 'do', or something." Snape maintained, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said Lucius. "You're clearly imagining things again, like that one time you....." He was interrupted by the sight of Lupin, who ran past, chasing a squirrel that was carrying half a slice of bread in its mouth.

"Hi, dude!" Lupin said, waving genially at Lucius.

"Hey, dude," answered Lucius.

"There! You just said it!" Snape said, triumphantly.

"You're babbling, dude." Lucius said, glaring at him. Snape let out a frustrated growl, and disapparated crossly.


	4. Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Sna...

(A/N: Inspired by an actual story in which the Sueoine became paralysed because Lucius Malfoy had randomly pushed her down the stairs)  
  
**Chapter 4: Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape Versus The Sues, Part One**

At the top of a Hogwarts staircase, a beautiful girl was standing. She had long, gorgeous blond hair, angelic blue eyes, and a most wonderful figure, with curves in all the right places. She was also evidently rich; she was wearing seas of peculiar looking magical jewellery, and, instead of Hogwarts robes, very trendy Muggle clothes.

She was melancholically contemplating a picture of a beautiful medieval witch, and crystalline tears were welling in her eyes, as she thought of how hard her life was, hated by all the female population, and fancied by every heterosexual male- or, at least, that's what she thought; how else could she explain the stares she attracted and the whispering behind her back? How indeed. As she stood contemplating her awful fate, cursed as she was with such doomy assets of doom, she did not notice the ominous shadow that appeared behind her.

Quick as a flash, Lucius Malfoy jumped out, said "Ah!", and, with one graceful motion, pushed her down the stairs, to rapturous applause from staff and pupils.


	5. Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Sna...

(A/N: Based on some megalomaniac fic where the Sue intimidated Snape with a glare. I mean, out-stare Snape, haha, complete rot, what?)

**Chapter 5: Lucius Malfoy And Severus Snape Versus The Sues, Part Two**

Severus Snape was practically galloping along the hallways of Hogwarts, on his way to lay the smackdown on Potter once again, when he found a maroon object blocking his way. He stopped, and saw that the maroon object was in fact a teacher. The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, actually. "Oh, hello, Miss...er...." He realised he couldn't remember her name, and stopped talking.

"Hello Professor Snape," she said. Her grey eyes were flashing oddly. Snape frowned. He wasn't sure that flashing of retinas was entirely normal or healthy, but he refrained from comment. "I wanted to have a word with you." She said.

"Oh yes?" Snape said, carefully moving sideways, hoping to slip past.

"Yes..." she said, going into a long monologue about something. Snape was edging stealthily sideways, but just as he was about to make a run for it, she took a step to the right and blocked his way once again. "....wouldn't you agree?" she said, and glared at him, eyes flashing.

Snape glared back, not really seeing where she was going with this.

Miss Whats-it continued to stare at him.

Snape stared back.

Miss Whats-it stared.

Snape stared back.

Miss Whats-it's eyes were beginning to water.

Snape stared back.

Miss Whats-it's vision was getting blurry.

Snape stared back.

Miss Whats-it blinked several times, to no avail.

Snape stared back.

Miss Whats-it wanted to rub her aching eyes, but did not.

Snape stared back.

"Aaargh!" Miss Whats-it finally cried, hiding her face in her hands.

Snape stared at her for another moment, and then strode off. He took out a little chart from his robe pocket marked 'victories', put a little cross behind "This year's DADA teacher", and sighed contently.


	6. Chapter 6: A Mean Hallowe'en

(A/N: A Hallowe'en special! This was supposed to have been posted on Hallowe'en, but I was exiled for the last week for posting that ill-fated Robin Hood parody. So here it is, a week late. The Robin Hood parody can be found on a literary forum and my livejournal; there are links to both on my profile. I do hope this chapter is scary enough for you....but I do believe it will be.....)

**Chapter 6: A Mean Hallowe'en**

It was Hallowe'en, and a woman with long, wavy hair opened her door, to see two rather odd-looking children standing on her doorstep. They looked like children, because they were small, but the way their bodies looked was wrong, and their faces were rather grown up. To her mind, they looked rather more like dwarves than children.

The right one was dressed as a pirate, in a very elaborate, professional-looking costume. From under his green and silver bandana very blond hair streamed out over his shoulders. The left child was dressed as a vampire; it had a very pale face, huge amounts of black robes, and long black hair. His dark eyes glittered ominously.

"Trick or treat!" the pirate kid said, in an odd sounding voice. The other one opened his mouth to speak, and promptly made a gash in his lip with his huge canine teeth.

"Ow!" it said, and then something that sounded a lot like "Damn you, Lucius, and your imbecilic ideas!" in a gurgling voice, before hiding his face behind a bit of cloak. When he emerged again, the gash was gone.

What a strange pair, the woman thought, but smiled at them anyway, and fetched a basket of sweets. The children came quickly closer, and she thought she saw a mischievous flicker in the cold grey eyes of the pirate kid before everything went suddenly blank.

Later that evening, a pair of odd-looking children hid in a small park at the outskirts of the city. One of them, dressed as a pirate, tore off his bandana, shook loose his hair, and said "Ha!" loudly. Then both of them took something from their pockets, aimed it at themselves, and within moments were transformed from children into full-grown men.

"Sweet Merlin, I'm glad to be rid of those teeth. I don't see how vampires stand them." The tallest one grumbled, shaking dust from his huge black robes and cloak.

The other one, still dressed as a pirate, merely grinned, and opened his bag. "So, what have you got?" He said to the other, who had taken up his bag and was peering into it.

"Er.... Two boys, some fathers, three women, and four girls." He said. Squealing noises were sounding from inside the bag, as though it held a colony of mice. "You?"

"I have three boys, two fathers, one elder brother, and what is probably someone's mother, though I'm not sure with the costume she's wearing," The one dressed as a pirate said. He closed his bag again, a content smile on his face. He sighed, walking up to the other man, and put an arm around his shoulder. "You know, Severus, I really, really love Hallowe'en." He said, and they walked off into the darkness.


	7. Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Has Magical Bat...

(Inspired by a Sue who had a magic tile. Dear readers, are you also worried about the amount of stories here that gets the breath of life from a Sue's stupidity? Because I am. But feel free to suggest other, more elevated, sources of silliness.) 

**Chapter 7: Lucius Malfoy Has Magical Bathroom Furnishings**

Twenty-seven Aurors sprung out of the darkness at Lucius Malfoy. "We have you!" Mad Eye Moody proclaimed, his magical eye rolling in its socket ecstatically.

"Oh yes?" said Lucius, taking something from his pocket. "Well, let's see how you fare against my MAGIC TILE!" He held up a small turquoise tile at them. Most of the Aurors fell down upon their knees in terror.

"Aaaaaah! Nooooo! It's _magic_!" they screamed in despair.

"What are you doing?" Mad Eye Moody said, looking at them in disgust. "Of course it's magic! We're wizards!.....and witches," he added hastily.

"Oh yeah!" One of the Aurors said, and got up. The others followed his example.

"Now then," said Mad Eye Moody, and they all turned back to Lucius Malfoy...... but he had already disapparated into the darkness.


	8. Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy Eats A Banana

(Anyone who spots the Oscar Wilde reference may borrow the title and write their own story to it.)

**Chapter 8: Lucius Malfoy Eats A Banana **

"Fanny!" Mrs Malfoy exclaimed when Lucius Malfoy walked through the door to the green salon.

"Hello, mother," Lucius sighed, sneaking up to a spot near the fire. But it was too late. His mother had already gripped him and was looking up at his face like a farmer who's trying to assess the qualities of a horse he wants to buy.

"You're looking rather pale, Fanny," she observed.

"I always look pale," Lucius said, annoyed.

"Nonsense!" his mother huffed, letting him go. "You probably don't eat enough fruit. You never did, you know." Lucius just rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"But mother...." He started, but was interrupted by his mother calling the house elf.

"Snobby!" She yelled. "Send a crate of bananas over to the young master's house!" The house elf appeared with a tea tray, which it set down, then it nodded, and disappeared again. "Well, Fanny, cake or bread and butter?" Mrs Malfoy asked.

"Bread and butter, please," Lucius said, and sighed darkly as he saw his mother shove the most gigantic slab of cake he'd ever seen onto his plate.

-----------------

He came home later that afternoon, to find the hallway blocked with at least a ton of bananas. As he took out his wand, planning to eradicate them, his mother's voice suddenly echoed through the hall: "And I'll know if you don't eat them!" it said.

Well, there was nothing else left to do. He pocketed his wand again, twitching, and took a banana. As he peeled off the skin, he was surprised to see not a banana, but an orange. 'An orange?' he thought, remembering that this was not the way bananas were supposed to be.

To his surprise, the orange slowly raised itself, and said, in a high voice: "Ha! Fooled you!" Then it hopped off his hand, and ran away.


	9. Chapter 9: Look Dad, No Trousers!

(A/N: A long while ago, people told me they very much liked to know what a "serious" work of fiction by yours truly would be like. And, as you know, your wish is my command, somewhat, so you can now admire my poetic skill in a short story about Hook on this very site. Enjoy.)

**Chapter 9: Look Dad, No Trousers!**

The door to the staffroom flew open, and in came a man wearing a tight black turtleneck, and black satin tracksuit bottoms, with buttons along the side of the leg. The other teachers looked at the man in bewilderment; he looked slightly familiar, but they could not figure out who he was. The man walked towards the largest, most worn armchair in the room, as if he belonged here. Ultimately, Professor McGonagall rose and approached the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but I fear….." she said, but was interrupted by a startlingly recognisable voice.

"Minerva, now is not the time for jokes," the man said, glaring at her.

"Severus!" McGonagall exclaimed in surprise. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognise you in those…er…….garments. May I ask….. are you aware of the fact that you're wearing tracksuit bottoms?" Snape sneered at her.

"Of course I'm aware of that. They were the only things I could find with a sufficient amount of buttons on them" He said, grumpily. "in time for my yearly laundry."


	10. Chapter 10: A Hard Man Is Good To Find

(A/N: Pushing a microphone down Alan Rickman's trousers while he's singing Christmas Carols for autism, was entirely **Daniel's** idea, so you can blame him for it)

**Chapter 10: A Hard Man Is Good To Find**

Snape had just come dancing into the first-years' first potions class, and was standing imposingly before the trembling eleven-year-olds, about to commence his speech, when a boy who was looking slightly older than the rest, came running up to him, grabbed him, and pushed what looked like a muggle microphone down his trousers.

"Heeheeheeehee!" said the boy, and ran off so fast, that Snape's well-aimed curse bounced off the thick wooden door instead of off a curly-haired head.

"COME BACK HERE, YOU!" Snape bellowed after him, trying to get the microphone out of his trousers. But it appeared to have a Sticking Charm on it, because it wouldn't budge, so he set out on the chase.

"COME HERE AND I'LL……" Snape was shouting as he ran after the boy, who was far quicker than him, owing to not having to lug 500 pounds of robes around, right before he suddenly ran into a large black shape. "AHA! I HAVE YOU NOW!" he said, grabbing hold of some robes and pushing the shape down onto the ground….. only to find Lucius Malfoy staring up at him.

"Say, Severus," Lucius said, "is that a microphone down your trousers, or are you just happy to see me?"


	11. Chapter 11: Sinterklaas Zwarte Piet OT...

(A/N: Only one chapter this week, but, rest assured, this is an extra long and hard chapter, because it is the one and only Sinterklaas special! Oh yes, old men, little boys, sweets, spankings and slavery; it's all in there. Everyone who is not from Holland, Belgium, or certain parts of Germany shall most likely be confused, but I don't care! Watch me laugh diabolically!)

**Chapter 11: Sinterklaas Zwarte Piet OTP!!!11!**

On the eve of December fifth, the Gryffindors were sitting around in the common room, doing whatever it is Gryffindors do in the evening, when suddenly cheerful music started playing. "What's that music?" Ron said. No-one knew, not even Hermione.

Then the door flew open, and in came a man dressed as a bishop, with a long white beard. He was carrying a bishop's staff and a large red book. Following him was a tall man in 16th century clothes, carrying a large jute bag and wearing a cap with a feather on it. He appeared to be smeared with black, and looked rather grumpy. As they walked in, the first man nudged the second one, who then reluctantly reached into the jute sack, took out a handful of exotic-looking sweets, and threw them at the children.

The Gryffindors looked at them blankly, and mostly left the sweets untouched, as they all had sufficient experience with free sweets lying around to know that you shouldn't eat them. The bishop stood in the middle of the room, looking dignified.

"Well, children," he said. "I hope you've all been good boys and girls, but, of course, we will soon find out whether or not you are. Chair, Piet." The second man looked angry, but fetched a chair and the bishop man sat down on it, and opened his book. He looked at it and leafed through it for a considerable amount of time, before calling out: "Harry Potter! Come here, please!"

Harry Potter looked at the man hesitantly. Who was he, and what did he want? Was he allied to Voldemort? His scar wasn't hurting, though, so he decided to take the chance and went up to the man. "Er, that's me." He said. The man made a strange motion with his hand.

"Well, come and sit on my lap, Harry." Harry frowned, but decided it would be best not to anger the man, so he sat down on his lap, feeling uncomfortable. "Very good!" said the man, gazing at Harry in a slightly disturbing way with very steely grey eyes. "Well, Harry, I'm afraid there are some unpleasant things about you in my book."

"Your book?" said Harry, confusedly.

"Yes, my book, in which I record what every boy and girl has done, and whether they've been naughty or not. And I am afraid, Harry, that you have been a very naughty boy."

"Oh?' said Harry.

"Oh yes," said the man. "For instance, it says that you've been shouting at your friends a lot lately, for absolutely no reason at all."

"WHAT?" said Harry, "I HAVEN'T BEEN SHOUTING, AND WHEN I DID, THEY DESERVED IT, BECAUSE…"

"Yes, yes, Harry," said the man, "what a lovely illustration of my point. But that is not all you've done, is it?"

"What?" asked Harry, more confused than ever.

"It also says that you've been very unkind to a very benevolent and generous and just Potions Master at this school. He told me himself that he was very hurt by it." The man went on.

"Snape?? But he…" Harry began, but was interrupted by the man.

"Tut, tut, tut, Harry. That is a very serious list of naughtinesses." The man shook his head mournfully. "You know how sad this makes me, don't you Harry?"

"Er, no, actually." said Harry.

"Well, it pains my heart, but I'm afraid you'll have to be put into the sack and come back to Spain with us." With these words, the man with the sack grabbed Harry violently, lifted him up and tipped him into the sack. "Goodbye, boys and girls," said the bishop man. "We will be back next year. Be sure to put your shoe under the chimney tonight and sing! And to be good all next year!" He waved at the children, as the music started playing again.

Then he nudged the other man, who was having trouble keeping the sack with struggling Harry in it closed. "Do something athletic!" he hissed at him, at which the man grimaced, and did a very half-hearted attempt at a somersault, wheeling Harry Potter in the sack. They turned and walked away. Through the window the stunned Gryffindors could see the bishop man mount a white horse, and fly away, the other man, still carrying the sack, sitting behind him, holding on to his back.

"Well, Severus, I am glad you told me about this Sinterklaas business. The Dark Lord will be so pleased with our, ah, 'catch'!" The man dressed as a bishop said, smirking.

"Oh yes, Lucius," Snape said, giving the sack a good shake. "but not half as pleased as I am." And he grinned sadistically.


	12. Chapter 12: When First Drafts Attack

(A/N: When researching earlier drafts of Peter Pan, the author laughed loudly at the original closing scene, in which Hook turned into a sadistic master (pun entirely intended), scanning Kensington Gardens for Peter, because he wants to spank him, as he explains repeatedly and eagerly. It's exactly as dodgy as it sounds. Now, the mental image of Jason Isaacs!Hook in a professor's outfit, paired with Jason Isaacs!Lucius and Snape, who is also a sadistic master, morphed into this story somehow)

**Chapter 12: When First Drafts Attack**

Severus Snape was walking around Kensington Gardens for no particular reason, when he was approached by a man in an Edwardian professor's outfit, who was carrying a cane and had long black hair and very familiar-looking eyes.

"Pardon my intrusion, but hast thou by any chance seen an annoying little boy by the name of Peter Pan?" The man said, waving his cane lustfully. Snape raised his eyebrows and snorted.

"Lucius, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not into role playing?" he said, and walked on.


	13. Chapter 13: Bad Hair Day Man

(A/N: Before viewing, take a look at this: (http:img. photobucket. com/ albums/v320/captain hand/ floris.jpg), especially at the man on the left, with the excessive spacing removed and an underscore between captain and hand, oh, and the necessary slashes after the http: thing, and you'll know what we are talking about)

**Chapter 13: Bad Hair Day Man**

Lucius Malfoy was randomly walking around a random town in Holland randomly, when he was suddenly startled by a picture of what he thought was him on the side of a bus stop. Of course, he didn't know what a bus stop was, or why there was a poster advertising something called "Floris" on it, or what the something called "Floris" was, so you can imagine his confusion. However, confusion was the least of his worries.

"Oh sweet Merlin," he exclaimed, "_what_ have they done to my _hair_?"

And promptly fainted.


	14. Chapter 14: Dreaming Of A Platinum Blond...

(AN: I took time out from cooking, eating, boozing, and being charming to my horridly overbred family put this online on the day itself, so you'd better appreciate it. Merry Christmas, etcetera, Your Duchess)

**Chapter 14:Dreaming Of A Platinum Blond Christmas**

A loud squeal echoed over the lawn as Severus Snape approached Malfoy Manor across the grounds. Snape raised an eyebrow at this, but trudged along stoically, used as he was to Lucius' sometimes odd behaviour. As he neared the front door, he heard more squealing and crashing. Frowning, he rang the bell.

Within seconds, the door flew open, and a house-elf followed, hurling through the air. Snape just managed to dodge this, when Lucius threw himself against him, and dragged him into the house. "Finally! I thought you'd never get here! You simply _must_ see my present!" Lucius said, overexcitedly.

"Present?" said Snape, baffled. Then he remembered. "Oh Merlin!" he exclaimed desperately. "Of course! It's Christmas!" He spotted Narcissa in the hall as Lucius dragged him up the stairs to his bedroom. "Narcissa!" he shouted, "Hadn't I told you that whatever may happen, you should _never, ever_ let Lucius come near a candy cane?"

"But I couldn't think of anything else to give him for a present!" Narcissa shouted back at him helplessly. Then she turned and walked back into the drawing room, ignoring Snape's tortured cries that resounded through the house.


	15. Chapter 15: Fine Feathers Make A Fine Lu...

(A/N: This and the next chapter are dedicated to the glorious Jenny, and inspired by our trip for fabric for a Snape coat, during which it was not uncommon to hear us both squee, orgasm, die, and giggle wildly over the various delicious weavings on offer, and also by the shop clerk who had some disturbingly clear ideas about what we should do with any left-over fabric.)

**Chapter 15: Fine Feathers Make A Fine Lucius Malfoy**

It was a lovely day, and Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were out shopping for fabric. "Ooohh, gosh!" Snape exclaimed, manhandling some green satin, "Only one galleon! Look at that, Lucius!" Lucius, standing behind him with an expression of utter disinterest on his face, just grumbled. "OOOH! And just… ooh! That black velvet!" Snape squealed.

"I want my ice cream," Lucius Malfoy replied, frowning. "You said we would go for ice cream after we'd left the last shop."

"But just look at these bargains, Lucius!" Snape cried out, "Honestly, how could you expect me to pass up on that embroidered silk for 3 galleons a metre?" Lucius growled irritably.

"What are you going to use one foot of pink PVC for anyway?" Lucius asked, looking through Snape's carrier bags. Snape waggled an eyebrow at him in response. Suddenly, the surliness disappeared from Lucius' face and his eyes lit up.

"Ah!" he said, brightly, dragging Snape to a stand at the back of the store eagerly. "Is that silver lace I see?"


	16. Chapter 16: Fashion Is For Fashion Peopl...

**Chapter 16: Fashion Is For Fashion People**

"Oh, Severus, how fortunate that you are here, I wanted to ask you… " McGonagall started, when she saw Severus Snape enter the staff room, but forgot to finish her sentence when she saw what Snape was wearing. Snape stalked right past her without noticing her dumbfounded expression.

"Er… Severus… " Professor Sprout said, as Snape sat down in the armchair next to hers, "… what is that you're wearing?" Snape looked at her, apparently trying to understand what she meant, then looked down, and remembered.

"Oh, yes," he said, airily, "I was making some new robes, and when they were finished I still had some wool left. And I did not want it to go to waste, seeing as it's so hard to find good wool, so I asked for help from Luc… I mean, I asked a friend for help, and he said it would be just enough to make a skirt, so that's what I did. Isn't it lovely?"

The rest of the teachers just stared.


	17. Chapter 17: Carpe Lucium

(A/N: Inspired by talking to my mum about first Latin classes, starring the ever illustrious Marcus and Lucius. This provoked, of course, thoughts about the true identity of this Lucius character, and then this strange mixture of stock first-Latin-class sentences, and original lines came out. I think everything is conjugated correctly- if there are any mistakes in conjugation or verb tenses, do let me know. PS: Yes, I know they weren't at school together like this; however, Marcus and Lucius were.)

**Chapter 17: Carpe Lucium**

Lucius in platea est.  
Lucius Severum videt.  
Lucius Severum salutat.  
"Quid est, Lucie?" dicit Severus. 'Faceo res necessaria. "  
" Ignotus es, Severe," dicit Lucius. "Suscitus sum. Cubiculum eamus."  
'Ha,' dicit Severus. ' Improbus es, Lucie."  
Lucius ridet. Ingrediunt vicum.  
"Obdurit, Lucie," dicit Severus. Severus grammaticus est.  
"Severe, tu es optimus grammaticus." dicit Lucius.

Severus et Lucius tardi sunt in lectio Runii Antiqui.  
"Quid est? Cur tardi estis?" discipulus rogat.  
"Ehm," Severus dicit, spectant Lucium.  
"Hihihi,' Lucius dicit.  
"Hahaha… " Severus dicit.


	18. Chapter 18: Rosa

(A/N : Inspired by the author's and particularly Jenny's experiences in Rome. Title courtesy of the Jacques Brel song, in keeping with the Latin theme of this and the last story.)

**Chapter 18: Rosa rosa rosam, rosae rosae rosa… **

It was a lovely summer evening, and Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape were sitting on the edge of the Trevi fountain in Rome. Snape was busy watching the rose vendors make their way down the steps, toting roses to all the couples, and Lucius sat turned toward the water, his light linen robes fluttering in a slight breeze. "Lovely rose for lovely lady!" a vendor close to them was saying. "Lovely rose for lovely lady!"

Snape turned to comment on the rose sellers to Lucius, but was interrupted by the vendor who had just noticed the duo's long hair, and had come scuttling towards them enthusiastically.

"Lovely rose for lovely ladies!" the vendor cried, "Lovely rose for... " At this point Lucius and Snape turned towards him, and the vendor fell silent.

"You were saying?" Lucius said, glaring. The vendor went very pale, and, dropping his roses, ran away as fast as he could. "Ah look, Severus," Lucius said, picking up the flowers and stuffing them into his robes, "free roses!"


	19. Chapter 19: Goody Two Nose

(A/N: Everybody should watch 'Allo 'Allo, if only for Crabtree. Or Herr Flick and his Gestapo pipm cane. Title courtesy of the brilliant Adam Ant song Goody Two Shoes, which I am hereby pipming to all of you shamelessly.)

**Chapter 19: Goody Two Nose**

Lucius Malfoy was strutting down a street in muggle London one morning, when a muggle policeman accosted him. "Good moaning," the policeman said to him.

"Well, a good moaning to you too," replied Lucius, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. The policeman bent over to him slightly, and went on in a low voice.

"I have good nose for you," he said. Lucius looked at him insultedly.

"I already _have_ a good nose, thank you," he said, and strode off, huffing indignantly.


	20. Chapter The Last: The Best Years Of Our ...

(A/N: Here we are then, my dears. We've made it to the end. In just over a year's time, there have appeared exactly 100 episodes of The Pureblooded Antics of Lucius Malfoy, as envisioned by me. They haven't been as successful as a lot of other pieces of fanfiction of far slighter size have been, but that is of no consequence. There has been a small, but singularly devoted audience for them, which is worth an awful lot. As I've said before, I promised myself, thinking I wouldn't get to 20 stories, that I'd stop making them after the 100th. There are, however, things I must consider in keeping this promise. The first is that I, accustomed to making these up at every available minute of the day, already have ideas for a next series; and unexecuted ideas annoy me. The second is that writing these stories has brought about leaps in my development as a comic writer especially, that are invaluable. To stop writing them would alter the direction in which I am heading artistically, which would be good, but maybe also put an end to this particular line, which is undesirable. In any case, it is probable that I shall continue writing them soon, but a pause is now needed, in which I can consider things.

Furthermore, everyone who has ever had an interest in these creations can come to the party I am throwing Tuesday the 25th of January; those who are interested may email me at the address on this site. I will, of course, continue to write other things and publish them on this site, and urge you to keep visiting my profile for new works. For now, though, a fond farewell from your loving and devoted author.)

**Chapter The Last: The Best Years Of Our Lives**

Lucius Malfoy woke up to the squeals of a house elf downstairs. He looked around, found that Narcissa was already up, arose, and opened the curtains to see the usual crowd of adoring pureblood fanwitches and –wizards. He glared down at them contemptuously for a moment, and, after slipping on his dressing gown, went downstairs. The breakfast room was empty, and there was a large but low-fat breakfast laid out on the table before him. In the distance, the house elf still squealed.

He was just sipping a most perfect cup of tea, when Narcissa came speeding past, looking rather fetching. "Sorry dear," she said, "have to go! That stupid house elf made me late!" and she ran out of the room. Lucius chuckled, and, listening to the far-away whimpers, finished his breakfast, then went upstairs to get dressed. He noticed that his hair and arse were both looking particularly exquisite today, and, smiling ever so slightly, he went down the stairs and outside, and disapparated to the Ministry of Magic.

He was greeted in the entrance Hall by a sobbing mass of wizarding folk, who boo-ed him as he went past. "Bigoted bastard!" someone shouted after him. And then he remembered. That law about disallowing less than purebloods to partake in magical education had passed! He stepped into the elevator with a smile on his face. When he got out and walked towards his office, he passed Arthur Weasley, who was looking desperate.

"And don't come back!" Fudge was calling after him. Then he noticed Lucius. "Ah, Lucius," he said, "just the chap I was looking for. You know, Lucius, I'm rather sick of being Minister for Magic, and I can't help but thinking that you'd do a much better job of it anyway, so.. why don't you take the position?"

"Why, Minister…" Lucius drawled, "I'd be delighted.

"Lovely!" Fudge said, "Office is over there. Tara!" And he walked away. Lucius went into the office and sat down behind the desk, feeling extremely smug. After a few moments, however, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Come in!" he said, and in came none other than Severus Snape. "Severus!" he exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

"You know perfectly well what I'm doing here," Snape said, stretching himself out on his desk in an appealing manner.

"Well, I do now…" said Lucius, grinning lecherously.

Lucius was about to go home after a tiring day of robbing people of their rights and er, talking to Snape, when he was suddenly stricken by a most urgent pain in his arm. 'What a strange time,' Lucius had time to think, putting on his mask and cloak, before he apparated to the designated place in the deserted valley of a former mine. He looked around, and, sure enough, there was his Lord sitting on a large rock of chalk. He swept over, and knelt down, awaiting his orders.

"Lucius," Voldemort said, slowly, "You know, it's been a difficult time, these last twenty years. And you and I have been through a lot together. You have helped me greatly, and now, as your promotion to Minister for Magic has brought us closer to achieving our goal than we have ever been before, I've realised something." Voldemort paused, gazing down at Lucius with thin, red eyes.

"I really don't think I am cut out for being Master of the Universe." Voldemort said. "I think my true calling has always been a quiet life. A house, a dog, gardening… Yes, that is the life for me…" He paused again, staring into the distance dreamily. "So how would you feel about taking over the business?" he then said.

"Oh, that would be lovely," Lucius said. "My Lord." He added, hastily.

"Oh, stop calling me that." said Voldemort. "Well, that settles it, then. Have fun." And he disapparated, leaving Lucius in the field of stones.

"This," Lucius said to himself, "might be the happiest day of my life."

Then the alarm shouted at him, and he woke up. "DAMN!" he shouted, disgruntled.

**THE END. **


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